I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
