Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
