I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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