What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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