Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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