I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
