Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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