so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
