Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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