I'm so fucking centered right now
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The air was thick with penises
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
