Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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