The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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