i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
