i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
