I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
