So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
