can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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