Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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