You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I want to fling myself into the sun
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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