Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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