I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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