my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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