Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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