I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
