I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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