Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
