I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
