The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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