ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Randomize
