You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
