You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
