I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
