I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
