absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
