she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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