I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
