I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
