some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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