Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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