One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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