I hate your face
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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