There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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