You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
