this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
