Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
