Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
