Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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