I'm going to jail i love you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
