she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
