i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
