I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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