dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we're so committed to being not committed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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