He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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