dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
