Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
