Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
