The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
