ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
