a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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