don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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